I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
