I'm jealous of your bromance
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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