Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
