I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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