I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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