The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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