she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
