thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
