Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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