Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
