Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
