Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
