I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
