i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
if only i could text you this smell
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
