So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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