Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
