Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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