the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
