the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
