I just saw a hot homeless man
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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