I met the friendliest cop last night
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
