new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
