Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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