Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
