nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
