Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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