Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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