I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
