shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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