I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
