The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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