Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
