Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
40s are totally the cure
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
