Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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