Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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