I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
