Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
