He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just high enough for therapy.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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