i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
