Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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