My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
