he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
