Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Blood and glitter go together right?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
