I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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