Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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