I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
17 year olds will be the death of me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
