Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
