Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
