I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize