I wish my penis had an off switch
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
