If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
