im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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