I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
