this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
