I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I love you.
Bad choice
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
