I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
