Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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