Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
