Betty ford says i'm here all night
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
