How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
