The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
