i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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