I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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