Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
