A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
