I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
