if i can run in heels then i can drive
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
