genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
